12 3 / 2014

Fitness Challenge 2014 - Post 2/Week 2

My first week on the fitness challenge wasn’t terrible but it could have been much better.

My nutrition was pretty good (except one cheat day – I’ll get into that later) but the workouts were not nearly as often as they should have been. However, I worked many more hours than I normally do (yeah, yeah, excuses but you work a 14 hour day, a 17 hour day and then go to the hospital to visit a friend in ICU in the middle of the night…shit really happened last week). I only got in two good workouts: one at my home gym and the other at Green Fitness Studios with the owner of The Body Art BK, John O’Mahoney, who I had worked with at Mark Fisher Fitness. 


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I decided against the Crossfit for now once I realized John was in my ‘hood as he is much more focused on integrity of form over how many reps you do. That’s what makes me nervous about Crossfit. I have a bad back and weak knees so have to make sure my squats are perfect and I’m lifting correctly or I could be in major trouble. So basically, working out with him is like doing Crossfit (many of the same exercises in circuit training form: deadlifts, pushups, burpees, planks, etc) but focused on making each rep truly kickass.

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I kept to my diet pretty well. I gave myself one cheat day which was decided when I left the ICU at 8am Friday morning and immediately decided I deserved a bagel after being up for 24 hours. Not only a bagel but a muffin too dammit! Au Bon Pain in the hospital is bad. I stuffed those in my gullet and passed out in a carb-induced comatose state. Waking around 2pm, I walked to the bodega and hoped for a Cuban sandwich. No such luck so settled on a philly and grabbed a six-pack of IPA. Cheat Day in full effect!

I headed back to hospital to check on my friend (who is doing much better!) and after leaving, met up with friends for drinks. Beer, beer and more beer! Plus a jager shot because hospitals make me feel like I’m getting sick. Jager is my Airborne. Halfway through our evening, we stopped at Benny’s Burritos where I loaded up on a chicken quesadilla with guac and potent margaritas. CHEAT DAY!!!

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We ended back up in my ‘hood where I met up with a long-lost Tinder date from the challenge I never met up with. By then I was drunk and full of fatty grub. I was probably glazed over with one eye open staring at him as I swigged from my beer. Wonder why I never heard from him after that? CHEAAST DAAAEEAYYY!

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Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!

I was DRUNK. I got home and proceeded to text the guy I had really liked who had to move to Asia for work. He responded right away (umm because it was like 4pm Saturday there) to my very articulate “Hi. I miss you” with a few sweet messages. I woke in a little puddle of drool on my pillow with phone firmly in hand. Cheeaaaaat Daaaay…Three words: F*ck Cheat Day.

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From the pain in my head to the pain in my stomach, I realized cheat day is the devil. I am one of those people who doesn’t do anything half-way. You say I get a cheat day? Well modaforka, you better believe I will cheat the hell outta that cheat day! No one can cheat better than me! How am I competitive about being bad? There is something wrong with me I suspect…

New lesson: cheat MEAL, not cheat DAY. Once a week if I want wings or pizza or a couple heavy beers, fine. But a whole day to f*ck up? I obviously cannot handle that because I cannot have nice things.

Love and CHEAT MEAL!

PS. Updated photos…I don’t weigh myself because once again, I don’t do halfway on anything so I’ll get obsessive and wonder WHY DID I GAIN 2lbs since yesterday!!! AGGGHHH! Best I just rely on feeling good and how clothing fits. 

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Better lighting than the gym…plus there was someone in there and didn’t want to look like a creepy selfie-whore…

04 3 / 2014

Fitness Challenge 2014 - Post 1

Good afternoon beautiful babies!

The Fitness Challenge officially started this past Saturday March 1st. 

Not the best day to start but I ate well all day (basically, it’s The Grilled Chicken and Avocado diet. Threw in some brown rice and black beans on occasion too). Saturday night, I met up with friends for live music and stuck to Jameson and soda plus a couple light beers. Got home and shoveled some more black beans and avocado in my face hole. Maybe not so good to drink whiskey (even with soda) or eat so late but it’s better than the usual heavy beers and greasy pizza slices! Besides whiskey is shown to prevent cancer and just be totally awesome! 

Sunday I went to the bodega and grabbed the usual good grub: chicken breast, broccoli, eggs, etc. Had an omelet for lunch followed by baked chicken breast and broccoli. 

Monday, I hit the gym in my building with the 7 Minute Workout App on my phone ready to go. I started with a quick warmup and some stretches to open up and completed the first 7-minute set of 12 body weight exercises. I followed that up with some kettlebell and arm work, followed by side-step planks and another 7-minute set. I ended with about 10-15 minutes of pilates. Less than an hour in the gym and today I feel like I’ve been beat up…in a good way. 

My simple workout: 

7-Minute Workout

Kettlebell deadlifts (40kg)

Side-step planks (regular and side planks are in the 7-minute workouts)

Dumbell curls

Machine bench presses

Triceps press

7-Minute Workout 

Pilates Mini-Workout

I took the following before photos (not sticking out stomach or sucking in, and not doing that sad Before face. Also, no Instagram filters were involved to make me look worse or umm better). Make sure to avert your children’s eyes. No one likes to show bad photos of themselves but here we go!  

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And here’s a map of where all the food and beer have settled in and created a happy home:

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No, it’s not terrible but LOTS of room for improvement there folks. My pants and bikinis have NOT been happy with me. 

Here’s my ideal shape: Stacy Keibler

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I can totally do this! 

Tomorrow is my introduction Crossfit class. I’ve done some Crossfit before but it’s been awhile. Let’s see how it goes! 

Love and extreme ab soreness

Me 

28 2 / 2014

A New Challenge and Where to Fat-ass it in NYC

After the Tinder Challenge and the departure of the guy, I’m feeling a bit lost so I’ve decided to give myself a new challenge. This one is about personal growth and focusing on myself. I have not been watching my diet at all, drinking too much, and not working out enough. I feel like a fat schlub and it’s time to take action. I’ve decided to start the 2014 Fitness Challenge!

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Let’s do this!!

Starting tomorrow, March 1, 2014, I will be embarking on a two-month fitness and nutrition challenge (to jumpstart a better lifestyle in general) What does this mean?

  1. I will watch what I eat: low-carb, high protein, lots of fresh fruit and veggies, low alcohol (Ugh) plus one cheat day a week. (Hey, otherwise I might go insane if I can’t get a slice or good beer once in awhile).
  2. I will be active every day. Whether it’s just a quick jog around a couple blocks or 15 minutes of Pilates. This will be anchored by Crossfit classes and pilates. 

Details:

  • I’ll use MyFitnessPal to monitor all my food choices.
  • I’m attending an intro Crossfit class next Wednesday and will supplement classes with my building’s gym and some Pilates classes once in awhile to keep my back/core in good health.
  • I can enjoy alcoholic drinks a couple nights a week but it must be good choices and not overdone. Example: substituting 2 glasses of red wine for beers.

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Most importantly, this means that today is the last day before I embark on this challenge. Therefore, I’m going to eat anything I want today!! Below are some of my favorite foods and drinks (most of them terrible for me) around the city (mostly Brooklyn) 

Dough donuts – You are able to get these at many coffee shops around the city now but the best is if you can get to their Bed-Stuy location for the super-fresh, still warm doughy deliciousness. Classic glazed and Cinnamon-sugar are my favorites (I’m a purist) but the Café Au Lait is also great and they offer Chocolate, Passion Fruit and Hibiscus flavors among others as well.

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Healthy Kitchen’s Hummus and Warm Pita bread – I just get this delivered to my door. Best hummus I’ve ever had and the pita bread is soft, fluffy and warm.

Buffalo Wings – I have an addiction to buffalo wings. This will most likely be what I cheat with on cheat day. My favorites in the city so far? Mugs Ale House on Bedford Ave. My wings must be well-sauced, just the right amount of heat, and creamy delicious bleu cheese. I should have to use at least 3 napkins for my hands.

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Five Napkin Burger – Their happy hour goes from 4-7pm Monday-Friday and I love their veggie burger sliders (comes with thousand island sauce and butter pickles. Yum!) They also have regular sliders and pretty good wings as well (for 50 cents each!) their beers are half off and they usually have my favorite: Southern Tier 2xIPA. I shall miss this place!

Calexico – This is the best Mexican, hands down, in NYC (Rosa Mexicano and Dos Caminos compete well but are more expensive). I love their Rolled Quesadillas (usually get the Mushroom version) and guacamole.

imageLove the logo

Pizza Margarita – Just grab a slice at most any place in the Lower East Side.  Also, mozzarella sticks. They are pretty hard to mess up so just order from any pizza delivery joint.

Uncle Willie’s Frozen Coffee – Williamsburg’s Skinny Dennis has the best frozen coffee cocktails made with bourbon, brandy, and coffee liquer.

imageHell yeah, that’s my shit!  

Tater tots – Anywhere. I love tater tots but you can get them with cheese sauce at 983 Living Room in Bushwick.

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So those are the places you will be able to find me on cheat days! You better believe I will be getting wings and a couple IPAs before the day is out! 

imageOk, no more of this kind of “working out”…

Love & Later, Fatty!

Me

26 2 / 2014

Deep Conversations…Body Hair Edition

Girl 1: "I’m growing out my down-there hair"

Girl 2: "Why the hell would you do that?"

Girl 1: "Well not full-on 70’s bush, I’m just over the whole looking like a prepubescent girl. It’s just an understated triangle: a little puff for the muff, a soul-patch for the snatch, if you will."

You’re welcome. 

26 2 / 2014

How to Wallow SGDW Style

There are some times in life where you just need to wallow, throw a pity-party, and Eeyore it up. Here’s the way to wallow the way we do here at SGDW.

Ugh, I need a Brazilian…but what’s the point…

1. Sleep in…until at least noon. You may wake up earlier but squint out the window, scratch your bum and roll back over and stay there until noon.

2. Turn your Pandora or Spotify to Ray LaMontagne radio

3. Watch movies that show love is often difficult and crappy. I like a double header of Blue Valentine (added bonus of Gosling) and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Whatever you do, stay far away from anything Nicolas Sparks (that means you, The Notebook-Gosling!)

We are going to be madly in love and then end up hating each other. yay!

4. Open first bottle of wine after you finish your coffee.


F*ck it. Just use the same cup.

5. Take a break to look in the mirror and tug at your fat rolls or examine blemishes, cellulite, and eye bags.

6. Finally decide to get out of the house. Don’t bother with showering, just swipe the old makeup from under your eyes, brush hair, and slather on deodorant. Pull on leggings, your favorite old nubby, fraying sweater, and floppy hat. Sunglasses are helpful. 


You can pretty much just look to Britney Spears for style inspiration on Pity-party days

7. Make sure to keep the music going on your iPhone as you head to the subway. Don’t ruin the wallowing vibe.

8. Smack the saxophone out of the busker’s hands who is playing Louis Armstrong’s What a Wonderful World. Then take his money and laugh maniacally as you run through the station. Ok, kidding about this, I just imagined that as I heard the busker wailing the other day. No one wants to hear that song on Wallowpalooza!

Even if it’s a kid. Mwhahahahaha!

9. Find dive bar with happy hour prices all night. If you don’t like whiskey, now is the time to learn to like it. Order Jameson and if you need a pickleback, that’s ok. 

10. Either ignore or talk the ear off your bartender. If you tell a decent sob story and are at least slightly attractive, you are likely to get free drinks. Hopefully, he’s some cute Irish guy as a bonus (if you are around Midtown West, it’s 90% likely he will be).

Or Nick from New Girl as a bartender would do as well

11. Stumble home while simultaneously texting some random ex who done you wrong.

12. Eat something fattening like cheap pizza slices or street-meat.

13. Be that strange girl sitting alone on train, looking like shes going to cry


I’m going to guess her day might be worse…

14. End up in your bed with clothes still on, drooling and/or snoring

15. Wake up the next morning with a headache but relieved that Wallow-day is over. Get up, shower, get coffee, and start fresh. Decide to be grateful for something each day and move on.

 

24 2 / 2014

Tinder Challenge Aftermath

It couldn’t just wrap up that nicely now could it? That wouldn’t be our lives…Our lives are flaming disasters that may look like they have died down but are secretly smoldering, ready to flare up at any moment. 

My Tinder Challenge was deemed a success due to meeting a great guy and then beginning to date. He deleted his Tinder, I deleted mine and off we went into courtship land. Until last night.

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Picture perfect….wait wait, not so fast…

Before I get to that, let’s look at how it’s going for D. Terribly to put it mildly.

One guy admitted his STD status AND acts like a douche…look man, if you have a lifetime supply of Valtrex, you really need to be a nice dude to the ladies. You are hunting with a broken arrow, bro, you gotta be charming as fuck.

imageOr at least as good-looking at Ethan Hawk in the 90s (Reality Bites)  

Next guy was younger and seemed to be extremely into her, which caused her to begin to like him more. Until Saturday at about 2am after his brother’s house party. He jumps out of the cab, tells her to just go home as he doesn’t think she should stay with him. Then sends a text to “break up” with her with zero explanation. WTF, weirdo? So what does every good Brooklyn girl do? Why go to another guy’s apartment where he is drinking mushroom tea with his friend and friend’s girlfriend, of course. It doesn’t get much more real than that, folks.

imageWhat just happened? And where’d this dog come from?! (Frances Ha) 

So she’s feeling down and vulnerable but still happy that my dating life is FINALLY looking bright. Mwhahahahaha (evil laugh)…however, dark clouds rest heavy on the horizon.

My guy was gone over the weekend visiting friends in Long Island and I sensed something was wrong. Upon returning, he informed me that he had found out from his boss on Friday that he has to move back to Asia for an undetermined amount of time. He confessed that’s why he seemed a little distant over the weekend because he wasn’t sure how to tell me he now has to leave in just a few days! Jeez, I managed to chase a guy away over to the other side of the earth! 

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I received the text at about 8:30 Sunday night as I was out in the city with D., first at art show closing reception and then meeting my cousin and his friends who were in town for the Columbia v. Yale basketball game. I’m in the middle of conversation, look down and feel like screaming. ASIA?! BLERG!

imageThere’s gotta be something…so many things….(Clueless)

I asked him to call and he did so immediately. I was amazingly calm, explaining it’s not his fault; shit happens and it just wasn’t meant to be between us. He sounded as sad as I felt, explaining that he had no idea it would happen but his successor overseas had just quit and they needed him over there for awhile. He doesn’t want to leave the city at all but duty calls. Just when you think things are finally looking up, splat! You get crushed like a bug again. So just a few days to get his stuff in storage and say goodbye. D. shook her head in amazement. “Holy crap. We cannot make this shit up,” she said as we clinked our glasses and promised to just be sad old spinsters together. 

imageCheers to our sweet old-lady sorority house full of booze and Ben & Jerry’s…(Frances Ha) 

So all that’s left for me to do is enjoy these last few days with Mr. and then it’s sayonara….

imageGuess I’ll help you pack….hmph.

Love & Seriously, you just can’t make this stuff up…

Me

20 2 / 2014

Tinder Challenge 2014 Finale - Me

On Friday, February 14th, the Tinder Challenge 2014 came to an end. I happily deleted my account and despite not reaching the goal of three dates with different guys, I had my best 2nd date on Wednesday in years and was happy to let the challenge go.

Wednesday, my date from the Friday before (my 2nd Tinder guy in the new year) and I met at Rockwood Music Hall for some live music. My stomach had been hurting me for days, most likely from the deadly combo of wings, beer, and coffee I used as a sad excuse for nutrition. So I was no longer going to drink any beer and only have Gingerale or red wine (healthy, right?).

imageMy “work associates”

Before meeting my date, I headed to Soho to look for a date outfit, wearing something decent in case I couldn’t find anything. I obviously liked the guy. I found a couple dresses but still stuck with my leggings and long sweater mix because of the frigid night. 

I showed up at Rockwood to find him outside waiting looking as handsome as I remembered. We kissed and went inside to listen to the bands. After three hours of watching bands and whispering, we went our separate ways. He texted me once he arrived home and we planned the next date: Sunday after Valentine’s Day. My V-day was dedicated to my girl friends and his V-day was dedicated to an associate who was in from Hong Kong. At this point we began to text often, always receiving a good morning one. Warm and fuzzies.

imageNo, not those kind of texts, Carlos Danger.  

On Sunday, we met at B Flat in Tribeca where he informed me he had made me something as a belated Valentines gift but it wasn’t ready yet.  I asked him how his V-day was and he began to laugh. He and his associate (a 5’1” Asian guy who loves to drink) had a “romantic” dinner at Five Napkin burger and then the guy wanted to go to strip clubs which he refused and pawned him off on another guy in the office. I imagined that Valentine’s Day at a strip club with your Asian manager might be the saddest thing I’ve heard and began to laugh as he shook his head.

 Honest strip club sign…can’t fault them.

After a drink there, we headed to check out the Manderley Bar at the McKittrick Hotel where the Sleep No More performance happens. There was a live jazz performance from a guy on the piano, who would stop to crack jokes once in awhile. We were pretty oblivious to the performance, choosing to dance around like goofs and kiss. After a couple drinks there, he helped me over the ice to a cab and we parted, finishing up our third date. I suddenly realized women my age and younger have been so trained to just meet guys, hook up (whether just staying at their apartment or more), and slide into dating that it feels strange to actually be “courted”. My being picky is finally paying off! We immediately planned our next time to meet for Wednesday.

Tuesday night around 11pm I received a text message that he had been out with the same lush associate and that he might be a little tipsy off of 6 beers but that he missed me and couldn’t wait until the next day. Well, well, it sure is nice to not be the drunk texter! I found it sweet. 

imageThink positive! Unless they are mean texts…

I’m now writing this after our fourth date. I finally saw his apartment as we ordered in food, watched movies and drank wine. I woke this morning to him holding coffee for me and we headed out into the morning together: him dressed dapper in work clothes and me headed to a café “Looking like such the writer, with your glasses on”, he informed me, kissing me before he hopped off at his stop. And now we text again until the next date. Surprise, surprise, I’m actually dating a very nice man I met on Tinder. Who woulda thunk? 

On February 13th, I deleted my Tinder app; not just due to meeting mister, but also because I was already over it before I met him. If this one happens to not work out, I think it’s time for a break from it anyway. I mentioned it to him and he said he was on it for two weeks and had one very disastrous date before meeting me and is over it as well. Have I checked this out to see if he’s deleted it? Nope. Have I tried to add him on Facebook? Nope. For some strange reason, I just trust him and don’t feel any need to be connected on social media when we already connect in person. For someone with trust issues, this is a very big deal and giant step in the right direction of my dating life (and it says a great deal about him as well). Time will tell but for now, I enjoy getting to know him and going with the flow….

Love & Bye Tinder! 

Me 

12 2 / 2014

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10 2 / 2014

Tinder Challenge 2014: Weekend Update With Liz Lemon

Another week has passed in the Tinder Challenge and we are just mere days from the finale. Here’s where we stand so far: 

J. Ummm….(I think she gave up) 

S. and I have both gone out with two different guys. She has had more dates over all.

Friday evening, I grudgingly went out with my 2nd guy from Tinder. I really didn’t want to deal with it anymore but I hate not finishing what I say I’m going to do. I said three dates dammit! 

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Second guy is 38, divorced amicably, no kids, with my usual preferred combo of tall (very tall), dark and handsome. We met at a dark and noisy bar around 9pm near Union Square. It was so dark that you couldn’t even see the beer menu they hand you. He was waiting just inside the door wearing a nice, long camel-colored wool coat. He was even better looking in person. Handsome guys make me nervous and I was running late, so I start blabbering apologies for my tardiness and simultaneously shrugging off coat and trying to take off gloves and hat…basically I’m sure I looked like a crazy person.

My date followed suit shrugging off his coat and telling me he wasn’t sure if I would want to stay there as we surveyed the dungeon like atmosphere filled with early 20’s junior associates and account managers. Now that I’m 31, I still call such places “college-bars” despite most of the people in them actually have graduated.  I just can’t really tell ages anymore, except “young’uns” and “blue-hairs”.

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We decided to give it a whirl and he took the lead walking through the crowd to get to the bar with determination as if he was going into battle. I like guys who take the reins because I’m usually the pushy, impatient one. I get tired of always handling everything and making plans all the time. So I stood back and let him lead the way…until I saw an opening and dove in and asked a couple girls to get the f*ck out of the way so I could get to the bar (Kidding, I politely asked. But people really? Must you stand in front of the bar all damn night when others need to get drinks? It’s just rude). He looked impressed as I ordered my Manhattan and his beer. Oh yeah, I make things happen; a real go-getter. Or I’m just really good at procuring alcohol for myself. Hmmm.

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We find some little corner of solitude (more like less obnoxiously loud and crowded area) and settled into first date small talk. His faintly European accent was noticeable, though he said he was from New York originally. Turns out, he was born here but lived all over the world, including the country I lived in for several months. Not many Americans have lived in Romania. Very random.

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Also, he’s Jewish, which seems to be my lot in life. I have a thing for the Jewish guys and meanwhile I’m basically a incarnate ideal for the Aryan Nation (half Dutch with some German and English mixed in for ultimate white-ness). Maybe that’t the underlying issue: I feel some weird displaced guilt and have therefore have an affinity for my Jew friends. Do you ever think that modern day rednecks and the far religious right would be what could make Hitler’s America happen? As in wanting some sort of “Master Race” and listening to some crazy failed artist who doesn’t even look like his ideal in the first place (Black hair? Nein nein!). Yeah, sometimes I worry about that. “Keep them thur Mexicanos away from my country.” “Durn fureigners always taking urr jobs!” “Look at that Injun with his towel, he’s gurna blow up my plane!” “Gay muurriage? What is that? you can’t make no master race if you got two ding-dongs or two hoonannies!” They ain’t like me and they ain’t speak like me, so I donta liike ems!” Scary. (See recent influx of racist a-holes after the Coca-Cola SuperBowl commercial) Don’t even get me started on that stupidity. Honestly, when I lived abroad, there were times I hate to admit I felt ashamed of how our country looked to the rest of the world (However, these were the golden years of Bush Jr. so it was even more embarrassing. Classic defense move: “I didn’t vote for him! Did you vote for your Prime Minister that you hate?” Yeah, thought so).

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So I digressed greatly with that tirade. Back to regularly scheduled colloquy about  online dating. Ya know, the really important stuff…

After the first round of drinks, I switched to beer to keep from being too sauced and after the 2nd round we decided to change venues. We walked over to the W hotel lobby bar where we could actually sit and talk. One more drink and it was time to go our separate ways. We were out together for about 2 hours….it did seem to end abruptly but on a good note. We walked to the train and hugged goodbye before he turned his head to kiss me. I was ok with that.   

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Next morning I received a good morning text in Romanian.  Good start. Second date is planned for Wednesday so let’s see if I can get past the second date. Though none of us has hit the goal of 3 people, at least there were multiple dates…except J. I think we need to get her out more! Damn Astoria.

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Meanwhile, in the rest of our little crew, C. never heard back from the previous weekend’s date but went on another one that went decently Saturday night. D. went out with that dude I told her to avoid (Oh, don’t listen to me! Fine.) and they hung out the next day as well. Next thing you know, they will be buying a puppy. Didn’t the guy just break up, like yesterday with his girlfriend? Eh, what do I know, I date the “undateables” often myself. You likes what you likes. The heart does whatever the f*ck it wants, the little rascal.

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I’ve also decided to play cupid with a guy I’ve met a couple times at the ol’ neighborhood bar. He’s a very handsome resident at NYU’s hospital and I decided to set him up with C. He already contacted her and they are meeting up tomorrow. Why didn’t I want to go for a handsome Doc-in-training? See that part above about the heart does whatever it wants. No connection seemed to be between us but seems like a friendly guy. I love playing cupid and I give great dating/love advice…but somehow never take the advice myself. What a dolt.

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Love and NERDRAGE! Blerg! 

Me (and Liz Lemon)

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04 2 / 2014

Tinder Challenge 2014 - Updates and Farting Dogs

Nothing has happened.

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What you looking at? Said nothing here. 

No really, not much is stirring with the Tinder Challenge with only 10 days left.

J. still hasn’t hit date one and I’m going to guess that she’s pretty over it.

I have yet to hit Date 2 despite talking with one fellow quite a bit but never being able to match schedules and exchanging a couple message with two others. I think I’m pretty over it too.

S. is still most successful: she has seen the guy from Date 2 a few times now and here’s a hilarious text to prove it: 

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Ahh, the ol’ farting dog trick….suuuuuure.

Meanwhile, though she is not part of the Tinder Challenge (because as I put it, that would be like having Shaun White compete at the Special Olympics….yes, in this analogy, she is a gold medal Olympian and we are specially-abled), D. had this fun story to share: 

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Ahh, like the ol’ farting dog trick, something smells foul here.

Run. Run away girl. Once a cheater, always (and this is pretty much cheating - emotionally is worse than random banging of other girl if you ask me), plus add the fact he’s obviously a Grade A PUSSY who can’t even break up with a girl. Screw that. I can look into my “Crystal Ball” (aka, an old Magic 8 Ball that only shows the points anymore, because come on, the future with this cat is obvious) and tell you this: he will most likely never break up with her (see previous point made of him being a giant puss) but she will leave his ass when she tires of him being a pansy/cheater. Then he will come after you and, should you make mistake of getting involved with him, he will do similar thing to you. I say to thee, run, run fair maiden! 

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WTF is this sh*t?!

Beyond Tinder, I have the guy I met in Puerto Rico last year ask me to meet up with him while he was at some work thing in Princeton (he even offered for over $300 car service to pick me up an drop me off so I could come see him. No.) He comes back at end of the month to the city for a bit and we have talked about me heading down there for a hiatus (A week in the tropics? I guess I could handle that). Why is it a handsome engineer who lives in PR wants to see me and I can’t even get a #2 Tinder date? Life is strange. 

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Screw this. I’ll be here if you need me. 

Love and Dog Beano? New product patent? 

Me