14 11 / 2013
The Top Five People I Can Live Without, Especially in my 30s
1. Bad Liars (Really all liars but bad ones are the worst)
Scenario: “I’m walking out of concert. It’s cold!”
Me: I know! So cold!”
"In a cab now going to meet friend,"
Couple texts and then getting gibberish:
"an I sexieer"
"10 gays!" (? huh?)
Ummm WTF? Text to see if ok. Not response. Then call. Nothing
Over an hour later, finally answers call: “I cousldn’ts answerzz cause was inz concert!”
Me: “Umm weren’t you walking outside leaving the concert over an hour ago?”
"Nooo,I’zzzz waaaalking nooow.."
Me: “Are you drunk?”
"Um no." (trying to sound sober but I can hear the slurring) "I’msss toootallys fine…."
Just say you’re drunk and explain how an hour went by. Simple stuff. Might have let it by in my 20s but in my 30s I’m too bitter and cynical. Next!
2. Drug Addicts/Drunks
Drinking is fun. I like it. I write about it a lot. Sometimes I go overboard and have too much. Some occasions, I act afool. But if you want to go out and drink 10 vodkas on a Tuesday night and close down bars on weekends? I’m just too effing old for that. Moderation and a special occasions (and special occasions CANNOT happen every week)
Same for drugs: If you want to get coke/molly every weekend, on weeknights, hell, every night, I’ll pass thanks. Wanna smoke a jay once in awhile at home after a long workday? Totally ok. Wanting to snort rails in the bathroom after happy hour on hump day? Time for NA.
3. Conceited Mo’f*ckers
If you use absolute statements, I’m not going to be a fan. There’s always gray areas and there will always be someone “better” at something than you.
Examples: “I am the NICEST person!”
Even Mother Teresa may not have been the nicest person (debatable) Untrue, puffed-up, and conceited statements bother me.
That’s for you Miley Cyrus/Charlie Sheen/Courtney Underage-bitch-who married-old-dude. I really wish we would give attention to the people that make the world a better place, not a world of twerking, goddesses and daddy issues.
5. People who like to talk “shrink-talk”…but aren’t actually shrinks
"Do you think maybe something happened in your childhood?" "Perhaps it’s your sense of inadequacy that makes you feel like you have to continue to be mediocre…" Unless you are getting paid some $200/hour, keep it to yourself. I mean, come on, you are just giving away that sage advice for free! (By "sage" I mean bullshit and by "advice" I mean the enjoyment from hearing yourself talk endlessly). I’m over 30, I know most of my faults and why they occur. Thanks for reminding me though!
Love and in the words of Murtaugh, “I’m too old for this shit!”
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31 10 / 2013
Your Halloween Costume, Ladies!
I know, you’ve seen sexy pizza (nothing says sexy like a greasy slice of ‘za with pig-intestines with random by products and chemicals mashed into little love slices called pepperoni sprinkled on top, eh?)
(Photo courtesy of yandy.com)
"I actually can’t spell pepperoni but guys like pizza, right, RIGHT?!"
There’s also the Sexy (skinny!) Pachyderm costume, or Ho-Dumbo for short
Dirty, Slut-Corn (oh there’s jokes there guys: “Hey corn, wanna be on my “cob” *Bro-five!)
(photo courtesy of yandy.com)
Or how about ambiguously gay duo for children’s television made into complete slutbags?
(photo courtesy of yandy.com)
Really, just decide you are going to be a Slut-Monster and call it a night. Here’s a good one: Giant Slut-Squid.
"Hey, this doesn’t look ridiculous at all!"
or Dress like Miley and wear errrr ummm nothing. Just wear nothing, Don’t bother. Carry an Arizona Tea can and stick your tongue out. Easiest costume ever.
(Photo from Therry Richardson…and now all over the internet)
Have a creepy Therry Richardson follow you around, taking your picture and telling you to make love to the can.
Most importantly, my lovely ladies, have a good time and be safe. And if you get drugs in your candy; count yourself lucky and share with your friends.
Love and “Arizona Iced Teeeaaaa! It’s ma favorite ta drank when high on the marijuana/salvia/bath salts I looooove! and I looove black people…and twerking and funions…and…I forgot what I was saaaaayyin” - Miley
Happy Halloween! - Me
PS. Thanks Yandy.com for being cool about the costumes. If you want to be corn, Bert and/or Ernie, or the Squid, it’s the only place to get them!
24 10 / 2013
Is that a bloody love pocket on your shirt? NSFW
Thanks to a Brooklyn Magazine article by Kristin Iversen, I discovered this amazing garb (which is short for that word that ends in -age) to swathe a feminist lady’s, self-confident man’s, or balls-out tranny’s (pre-op?) top half. A bloody vagine! Now who wouldn’t love to walk down 8th Ave in Chelsea, rocking some messy lady bits on their chest? I can imagine the looks of pure terror on the faces of many of the inhabitants of the area as the shirt-wearer strolled into Elmo (except the lezzies, they may love it)
Maybe the shirt could be a declaration to all around you to Watch Out! It’s that time of the month! I have a uterus that is in turmoil!
But really? Why? Why, would anyone want to plop down $32 for a topper with a menstrual muff on it? It’s SOOOO edgy! No, it’s ridiculous and is a great way to sell tees via shock. Just stop it.
But I say, to each their own…
Love and seriously?!
23 10 / 2013
Brooklyn or Eastern Europe?
Hey folks! Sorry, it’s been awhile. Have to catch all of you up! (All 5 fans…what? I lost 2 because I was gone so long? Ok, all 3 fans!)
First of all, I moved. Still in Brooklyn, but further out into Hipsterville: Bushwick. Yup, shit got real. I noticed that while coffee shops, bars, and artisanal restos pop up every week, there are still many creepy factories that look or perhaps are, abandoned. Off the Morgan L stop, where the now-shuttered 3rd Ward lies, a tribute to founder, Goodman’s hypocritical greed - I’m surprised he didn’t get pelted with small-batch pickles and hand-crocheted terrarium covers during the mass exodus of the artist and startup community…anyway, off that stop are several blocks of quiet warehouses that are either not in use, or perhaps squatted in by nocturnal musicians/painters/drug-dealers.
I was walking up Morgan on my way to The Paper Box around twilight and noticed how much that area could be confused with some Eastern European country…at least one several years ago (I can say that, because I lived there). It was desolate except the sound of a plastic bag skipping down the street. And then suddenly, bam! a small bar. Had I been transported to Eastern Europe or the Balkans circa 1999? That leads me to the following fun game: Brooklyn or Eastern Europe?! Let’s play!
1. BK or EE?
2. BK or EE?
3. BK or EE?
4. BK or EE? (Hipster or Gypsy)
5. BK or EE?
6. BK or EE?
7. BK or EE? (A group of musicians escaping their desk jobs as account execs on a weekend romp through Brooklyn or a traveling band of gypsy minstrels?)
8. BK or EE? (A pretty hipster who knows her instagram filters or old gypsy painting?)
9. BK or EE?
10. BK or EE?
11. BK or EE? (So tricky, I know)
12. BK or EE? (Two Bushwick gentlemen enjoying a festival or a couple Roma travelers?)
Ok, let’s see how you did!
1. Eastern Europe
3. Eastern Europe
4. Tricky one! Both! (actually The New Gypsies as photographed by Iain McKell for his book - a group of travelers not related to the Roma in Great Britain. Kind of a mix)
6. Eastern Europe
8. Brooklyn, duh, she probably used the Walden filter on Instagram!
11. Ok, ok, there aren’t actually tanks on the streets of BK. It’s Kosovo. No hate mail please.
12. Gypsies, smelly, thieving gypsies…
(I may be kidding about some of the answers so hope you didn’t set your value as a human being on whether or not you won this game..)
Love and Na zdravje!
06 9 / 2013
28 7 / 2013
After a long vacation weekend, I am finally checking my emails (all 4 addresses…ugh) and spot something interesting:
Ummm Kegel Dumbbell? For real?
So that’s a kegel dumbbell, huh? Someone send these to to Kim K. and Kate M. stat!
Since I work in advertising (Yeah, I have a real job), I decided we should come up with some great taglines for this innovative product:
"Loose lips sink ships. Stay afloat with Kegel Dumbbell"
That makes me think there needs to be a better name for the product. Maybe The Vaguvenator?
"The Vaguvenator - Make your clam snappy"
"El burrito est loco? Hacer un taquito!: La Vaguvenator"
Or corner a new market:
Transporting drugs across borders? Keep the cache safe with a strong lock: The Vaguvenator.
PS. KGB Deals and Oh Naughty, if your sales go up after this post, I want a cut!
Love and “doing kegels right now but you cant tell, can ya, can ya?!”
20 7 / 2013
DIY - It’s Too Easy
It’s too easy….
I showed up and was turned away with my rabbit and pocket-rocket.
I can imagine showing up, looking at the hammer like, “WTF is this for?! No, sir! I don’t know what kind a crazy kinky shit you are into Home Depot but those needle-nose pliers are not coming near me. And those safety glasses? I thought this was Do It Herself class. What the hell?…”
It was too easy…the jokes needed to be said. Sorry.
Love & is that a drill?!
10 7 / 2013
How to Find Roommates in NYC
This post on Craigslist. It’s no longer up as I’m sitting tight where I am now but in case you need inspiration for how to attract cool people (or some total weirdos) here ya go!
Hi people of BK!
I’m a badass 30 year-old chick in advertising in the city. Yeah, I make cheddar selling people stuff they might not even want so that I can afford to pay $1200 a month in rent in The ‘Burg.
I also happen to write this kick ass little lady-blog called Shit Girls Deal With which I am also turning into a book. So, I work a lot, I wear my Warby Parkers to look all smart and serious for client meetings; but I am also a motherf*cking barrel of monkeys on the weekend!
First, I love live music so I am always hitting up concerts and small local music venues and then writing about it freelance for indie mags. I’m kind of a big deal.
Secondly, I love beer. Ok, I love all booze and like to try new things like infusing bourbon with vanilla beans and craft spirits which I also write about freelance. I am a former bartender so can make you a killer f*cking cocktail of choice. Bonus! Also working on starting a bar with my good friend. You will most def get some free drinks. Hells yeah.
Third, I have good-looking, super-fun friends! They will be your friends too (real friends let you whore them out)
Now, don’t get scared, this bitch does NOT bring the party home. I like to party in the places made for it: bars! I like being around people I DONT EVEN KNOW! That way, if I drink too much, it’s just around people I might never see again. No, I don’t like Meat-packing clubs or warehouse raves. But if you want those, I can get you in! You like No.8 or Electric Room, I’ll send you to my promoter friends but I just probably won’t go with you. I just prefer a good divey bar with yummo beers and good tunes. That’s just me, folks.
I won’t be having hoedowns in the apartment but it would be stellar if you and your friends can have dinner with me and my peeps once in awhile, like classy broads do! We can make some risotto and open some wines with our friends and talk about stocks or St. Barts, or whatever the hell classy people talk about. (No seriously, I’d like to have dinner parties once in a blue moon: whether cooking out burgers or making charcuterie boards)
I’m super easy-going and I’m happy to share all my shit with you! You ran out of shampoo? Hell girl/dude, grab some of my shit to tide you over. I buy that Suave shit for $4 so I don’t care if you need a squeeze or two. You busted ass on the sidewalk? Use my band-aids. If I’m around, I’ll help you get fixed up because I’m just fucking awesome. I won’t make you walk my dog because I don’t have one! I love dogs, hell, I volunteer with a shelter for them. If you have a dog, AWESOME! I will walk your dog happily but just don’t take advantage of me (It’s hard for me to resist cute little - or big doggies!).
I also like to cook. Ok, that’s a lie. I don’t always like it but it is sometimes necessary to grill up some chicken to keep my body bootylicious. If you don’t like the smell of grilled chicken or veggies sautéing, this might not work! But I will make you some! You want some rice? Help yourself to some of mine! I can’t eat that whole boil-a-bag! You had a rough day and want a joint? Shit, have one! I don’t know where to get any for you as I keep it legal in my vices but I don’t care if you want to toke up! You want a beer but are broke? I’ll give you a motherfucking beer! (disclaimer, if you are always broke and asking for beer, that might be a different story. I will sit you down and have a come to Jesus if you take a mile from my inch: “Listen Thurston the fourth, I know you don’t want to dip into your trust fund but I’m gonna need you to buy a 6-pack once in awhile” Just don’t take advantage and we be cool, yo) Communication is the main pillar of good roommate-ship, ya know.
I’m also not Pig-pen. I like to shower daily and I wash my dishes after use. But am I neat freak? No! I don’t scrub the bathroom with a toothbrush. In fact, I think taking turns to clean different areas or buying TP and soap or whatnot is a killer idea! Cause no one should feel like they do all the work, amiright? My room looks like a tornado hit it because I have too much clothing, but that doesn’t effect you. I’m an organizational freak in the common areas! That mail will be sorted! I will line up magazines on the coffee table by most recent. Get excited!
So here’s the skinny: I’m looking from $900 to $1100. I can afford more but prefer not to. Trying to get some savings like an adult here. So preferably around $1000 would be best so I can buy more cool shit like expensive beers and new heels. I want to stay in actual Williamsburg. I like Bushwick but I just purchased a Citibike annual pass to go to work and there’s no stations out there! Boooooo.
However, if it’s a good price, guess I can afford to just get a bike. Just email me if you got a good thing going on. I would really miss my little coffee shop (Black Brick) and cheap beer spot, Rosamunde though!
South or North Billyburg around the Bedford L or Marcy JMZ stops is pimpshit. August 1st, maybe September 1st if need be. I’d actually would be happy living with a dude/dudes as they seem to have less drama but if you are a chilled out girl, that’s cool too.
So if you want a chill, kick-ass, doesn’t take herself too seriously, makes killer drinks, and tells you dirty jokes chica, shoot me an email!